So, I’m sitting here watching MissRepresentation on my computer, because I had just sat, not an hour ago, and raved about it to a friend. About what a great film it is and how it shows how women are attacked and dehumanized in the media. About how hard it is to be a woman in society today, how hard it is to raise a girl in this society. Then, after she left, I thought it was worth going back and looking at again. As I’m watching it, *ding*, a message for me on Facebook from my good friend who said “I love this shot of you” and so I open it, cringing before I even see it, ready to tear myself down.
Do I say “Damm I look good?” Nope. First thoughts into my head….my nose is too wide, my arms are looking chunky, look at the fat under my arm, my skin looks mottled, shiny, old, and I hate my hair.
Jeezus, maybe it’s me that needs a frickin’ intervention.
I know that, for the most part, I have a fairly good sense of humour about my aging body. I also, have a fairly well-developed sense of self. I’ve seen absolutely terrible pictures of myself and laughed myself silly. Hell, I’ve posted them on the internet for the world to see. That doesn’t mean that I’m immune to insecurity.
The irony of all this of course, is that I was watching a movie to give me ammunition to help my daughters combat this very thing.
This is not a post looking for sympathy compliments. Please, hold them back. If I wanted to fish, I’d grab a rod and reel. I mean this to be a honest discussion. Why do we do this to ourselves? What standards are we holding ourselves to? How often do your insecurities catch up to you? What do you do to combat it? And more importantly, how do we convince our daughters of their worth, if we don’t entirely buy into our own?
Small Medium at Large
It’s funny that you refer to the “Facebook cringe” I do this ever time I get a fb notification that someone has tagged me in a photo. I hate seeing photos of myself and do the exact thing that you just did. No matter how many people tell you that you look good you never believe it.
I am so with you about how we teach our kids their gorgeous, beautiful, and smart when we have a hard time believing it in ourselves.
FTR- YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
It’s not just women that do this, although I’m guessing you are more vocal about it. I do it all the time with pictures and actually went through this exact anxiety with CL at the Ford event the other day. Someone said there’s a really good picture of you and I wanted to barf.
I think it’s human nature to question our looks and what people think of us. In the end all that matters is that we are happy because in my experience, people aren’t nearly as judgmental as we think they are.
FTR – I think you and CL are both great! (I know, no compliments…sue me!)
I am so guilty of this. The only positive – so far – is that I’ve manage to never show my daughter this.
For me, it feels like I’m just giving my girls words sometimes. I believe what I say about them, their worth, their abilities, their beauty. But. I don’t believe it about myself (the beauty part). I try my best to never complain about my body (although, yes, my 11 yr old’s breasts are bigger than my -34AAAAs). I try to discuss models in magazines and explain that they are not the standard to which we aspire (although we are all thin). My girls see me eat a healthy, balanced diet, promote exercise, and attempt to make myself presentable when we leave the house. But inside? Inside I tear myself down at every turn: small boobs, too thin, braces at 38, my hair is too curly, I’d like to be taller. I can get complimented all day, but the minute I look in the mirror? Meh. I try to remain aware of scrutinizing myself in the mirror when the girls are near. If they can’t see me being comfortable in my own skin, how will I ever foster their love of their own bodies? That said, it’s way easier said than done. They pay such close attention!
And no, you aren’t fishing, but damn if that color and dress don’t look fantastic on you!
I think some people are photogenic and some aren’t, I fall in the some aren’t category. I think over the years, I have only liked two pictures of myself, which means I actually avoid having my picture taken.
You look great in that blue dress!
I just went through the pictures from my friends wedding on the weekend and wept. Physically wept because I can’t stand the way I look and never have. Some days I tell myself “I’m a solid 6, and I’m Ok with that” and other days (like today) I wish I could erase myself from peoples photos.
I can see every little thing that’s wrong with me in an instant – bags under my eyes, muffin top, big nose, chubby face – but I can’t ever seem to focus on something that looks good.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Well, in my case I grew up in a situation where I was never told I was beautiful, and I think that with the media messages of what beauty is (size 0, perfect makeup, giant gazungas) has literally broken me. I’m thirty freakin three and can’t stand to look at myself, how lame is that? As much as we claim to be a society that values inner beauty we don’t , and I’m not sure we ever will (I’m sure there is some genetic predisposition to lean towards those that are more attractive). We need to teach people that true maturity values peoples words and actions, not just how they look, and somehow we need to practice what we preach.
You my dear are beautiful, inside and out, and I value you 1million times more for your words, friendship, and place in the world than I do for how you look in that dress. 🙂
I think as human beings we all want to be recognized and appreciated by other people. We all want to be considered attractive and funny and smart etc. Problem is, only one of those things is immediately visible to the world around us. If I were to be totally honest, I would admit that I too look at the people around me and compare myself (she’s taller, at least my butt isn’t THAT big and so on and so on and so on). It’s taken me years to get to the point where I am no longer obsessive about the things I see in others that I wish I had (except being tall – I don’t think I’ll ever get past that) I always wondered why it was that I felt I needed to compare. While my mother wasn’t exactly a role model in the self love department, she wasn’t ever critical of how my sister or I looked. I think part of it is escapism – how much better do we assume other people have it because they’re taller, prettier, thinner, bigger breasted etc? Studies do show that as a species we appreciate symmetry and beauty – even in the workplace, the more attractive you are, the more likely you are to get promoted or to land the job.
I guess what I take away from this is that there is no harm in doing what I can (or am willing to do) to look my best, but that it shouldn’t be the end all be all in my life. It also helped to have an awesome female mentor who once gave me all sorts of crap for being down on myself – she reminded me that I would NEVER talk about any of my friends who I love dearly in the same way I was talking about myself. She also told me that I was talking about one of her favourite people and that she wasn’t going to listen to it any more. Talk about a wake up call!
Candace, I may not know you IRL and without the marvels of technology, I never would have even known that you exist 🙂 but I can say this: You ARE strong and wonderful and you give me courage and strength to keep trying to raise my daughter to be all that she can be. I aspire to be as brave and open as you are with your trials and tribulations, hopes and dreams. When I look at pictures of you, I don’t see an ‘aging body’ or a ‘wide nose’ or ‘chunky arms’. I see strength and wisdom and beauty and yet another beautiful female role model that I can look to when I’m feeling down.
(of course, in that dress, I also see an incredibly hot, sexy mama who makes me want to work out a bit harder so I can find an outfit that makes ME look that good) 🙂
Speaking from experience, try doing a Boudoir session. I hate pictures of myself and would never put myself in the “beautiful” category BUT when I saw the Boudoir photos … I’ll be damned if I didn’t think I looked sexy, hot and yes … even beautiful.
Why in the heck did I do the Boudoir session? It was to tackle this very subject about how we pick ourselves apart. The results are in an article that I’ve written for Ottawa Parenting Times Magazine that will hit the street the week of August 26. Check out the before and after pictures (make sure you’re sitting down!)
Candace, you look amazing even in your jeans, t-shirt, with no makeup. Next I think that I’ll tackle why it’s easier for others to see our beauty.
Eeeek. I’m not comfortable being naked in the dark. Pretty sure that’s way out of my comfort zone. Can’t wait too see your article!!
An endless battle for me…dates back to the day I was born I think. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves. Clearly, we’re insane. I love reading Geneen Roth books for this very reason. I’m reading Appetites for the second time. I’m pretty sure we were twins born at separate times.
I’m pretty sure your photographer has nakedness issues as well 🙂
Remember your kids are going to wonder where you were for all those years. They need to see you in pictures. My Mom passed away 15 years ago and there aren’t many pictures of her it it kills me that there aren’t more. I heard the best thing today. “By losing weight the only thing you are is smaller however nobody is going to love you more” Get into those pictures.
Is there a link for the article? Ottawa is a bit of a drive to try and locate a physical copy of the magazine and I’m very curious about it.
Here is the link but I don’t see the post yet 🙂 http://ottawaparentingtimes.ca/
Guilty here too! It took me a YEAR to put a picture of me on my blog and now every time I see it I want to take it OFF. My face looks fat, you know. And yes, I have a teen and a tween daughter but the good news is THEY LIKE THEMSELVES. I have no idea what is wrong with me as a women or what I did right as a MOM to make that happen though. Sigh.
I’m hoping I’m going to grow out of this phase LOL