A few weeks ago I had a gathering of good friends at my house. It was a fantastic weekend , in which we threw our best parenting judgement to the wind. Our children were jumping in my pool long past midnight and eating junk food in excessive amounts until 2am. Yup, those kids should have been in bed. It was totally irresponsible parenting according to the status quo and in the process we helped create memories that will last a lifetime.
Oh and there was that one time I let my daughter watch a movie that was definitely a little beyond her years, but good gawd it was going to give me two hours of peace and quiet on a road trip, so out the window went my common sense. Oh, oh, and let’s not forget about the time that I took my two year old to Midnight Mass at Christmas and she wailed through the whole thing.
And then there’s this.
There was that one time I took my 9 year old daughter to see a midnight movie screening because she’d been begging me for months to see it and I thought I’d do something totally crazy and fun with her. But she was shot and killed by a madman, and my heart collapsed from the grief. And in the midst of all this people immediately started to call me a bad mom for having her there at all.
Unbelievable, isn’t it?
It’s hard to believe it happened at all. It’s a completely unimaginable, horrific reality, and yet, there it is. Screaming at us from every media outlet today.
So many parents lives were changed forever yesterday. Pain, horror, guilt, grief, anger, are only some of the emotions these poor people with have to deal with for years to come. They should have nothing but our complete sympathy, but instead the judgers come out, in record time really, to shame the parents a little more.
I certainly hope none of them live in a glass house, throwing stones about like that and all.
Really? You ask who would take a three month old to movie? Maybe a mom who was breastfeeding and wanted to see a great movie and figured, reasonably enough I might add, what harm could come of this? She wasn’t walking the infant into a war zone, but a theatre. And three month olds, being three months old and all, generally eat and sleep pretty much anywhere. And the six year old, well, who knows why they were there, but it’s possible the parents had a momentary lapse of judgement. LIKE.WE.ALL.DO. And the other side of the coin is that the parent thought maybe their kid could handle it. Does it really friggin’ matter at this point?
While, quite obviously, this didn’t happen to me as described above, I’m trying to make a point. A “walk a mile in their shoes” point.
I, for one, wasn’t handed the Perfect Parenting manual when my children were born. Different parents are going to make different calls. Sometimes they’ll look back and cringe. Sometimes they’ll look back and smile. I may not agree with everything you do and vice versa. I’ll share my opinion, you’ll share yours. We’ll both move on.
Today though, the bottom line is this; nobody, not one single person, in that theatre thought something so awful could happen. It is just as tragic that a 13 year old was shot and killed as it is a 3 month old. The grief is no different for those left behind.
Sometimes it’s nice to throw our judgment around. We’re entitled to do that. It can change opinions, it creates discussion and hey, sometimes it just brings you page views. Whatever makes you happy. But when parents are grieving in a way that is completely unimaginable to any of us, it’s time to put your stones away.
Pleasantville Postscript: I am overwhelmed by the response to this article and by the many thoughtful comments left behind. I have struggled for days about responding to those that are clearly in disagreement. This is what I’ve decided upon. By engaging in an argument with them about the merits of whether a young child should have been at that movie or not, I am bringing the conversation exactly where I didn’t think it should be. I don’t think I could have been much clearer in this post, so I am biting my tongue. I love those of you that didn’t.
Chocolate Almond Smoothie
I couldn’t have said it better. I was irate this morning watching the judgement being thrown around my facebook/twitter feeds…. It is a day for mourning, and nothing else.
The people blogging/judging these poor parents should be ashamed of themselves. Show some compassion. Be better than that. How pathetic to comment on parents who are now at their weakest. It’s horrific to lose a child – having strangers pointing fingers at the victims (of course the parents are also victims) is just incredibly ugly. Thank you for posting this Candace. Once again you nailed it.
A great post about such a difficult subject. No victim ever deserves blame. Just our prayers. Thank you for posting what many of us have been thinking.
Your post hits the nail on the head Candace. Thank you for pointing out the importance of compassion in such a judgemental world.
Well said Candace… I get that people are angry and want somewhere or someone to vent their anger at, but so much attention has been brought to the people today who brought their kids to the movie… it’s been driving me crazy for hours. We all need to put our stones down, as you said, and focus our attention on thoughts for the victims and the victims families. It’s been a horrific day for so many.
One thing is certain. Every single person in that theatre was somebody’s son or somebody’s daughter, and as parents, we need to have compassion for each and every one of those people that were there. Period.
Yes. When I woke up this morning to the devastating news and then read a baby had died? My brain went: oh no oh no oh no oh no. NOT: baby in theatre? Why? Sadness, beyond. Horrific tragedy.
Well said.
I could not agree more, very well said.
The agony any parent would go through losing a child in such a horrific, sudden, random manner should quiet our busy, judgemental brains. If we were living by heart, we would be so brokenhearted we could never bear to speak a word against them. They are PARENTS, whose children have been ripped from their arms and lives in an awful way. None of us would expect it to happen, so there was no risk to measure for these parents. I feel for them.
Good for you Candace!
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. There should be no judgement today, only love, compassion, and empathy for those poor souls who were chosen to leave the Earth before their time and all of their friends and family who are now suffering because of it.
This. Exactly.
So well said Candace. Every. Single. Word.
Absolutely, positively, 100% well said. Retweeted out the wazoo over in this place. Okay, so maybe just retweeted. But still.
Thanks for writing.
What comes to my mind is that fact that if the crazy gunman hadn’t ruined that midnight show there would be none of this discussion. Kids of various ages go to midnight shows all the time, we can assume that because they were there that night, and nobody is judging, nobody even knows, because those shows don’t make the news like this one did. My daughter was invited to a midnight premiere of Alvin and the Chipmunks and the only reason I said no is because it was on a school night. The fact that Alvin and the Chipmunks had a midnight premiere is proof that this stuff happens. And to the parents who have the energy to take their kids to these things I say GO YOU! Just because this is not a choice I would make (simply because I can’t stay awake long enough to do it) doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to do. It wasn’t a mistake to take the kids to the movie. It was bad luck that they went to that theater.
I hope the stone throwers can rethink their perspectives and instead focus on sharing the truer energies that needs to be sent out into the universe right now: compassion and empathy.
I can’t believe the wing nut Moms on here not to mention the blog post in the first place. Do a Twitter search for “baby movie shooting” see what the real world has to say about bringing a baby to a midnight movie! Shooting incident aside, taking a 4 old and two 12 year olds to a midnight PG13 movie is BAD PARENTING & SELFISH any day of the week! Wake up people this is one of many reasons why society and youth are on the delcine. Step up and be parents not your kids friends or buddies. Unreal.
Well said Candace. I saw some really disgusting things on the internet today and while everyone is entitled to their own opinions, it doesn’t mean that they all need to be shared.
I FULLY agree with Cameron up there. I have three kids and would NEVER have taken them – at any age under 13 – to a midnight showing of a movie never mind one they are technically allowed to see given the rating. It’s one thing to have a party with friends and family in your own home and let the kids stay up but its another to take a 3 month old to a movie where the probability of said baby crying etc,. And ruining the movie for another person who had no say in your stupid decision is high. It is sad they happened to be caught in the crossfire but they shouldn’t have been there. The movie wasn’t only being shown at midnight. There were going to be other times they could see it.
I think that while there was some poor judgement (like we ALL have as parents), this REALLY is not the time to kick someone when they are down. The loss of a child is not the time to tell a parent they were making poor parenting choices !
It reminds me of my dad when someone gets really ill, an injury, cancer or even dies, he tries to blame the person for some evil deed they might have done (she just doesn’t slow down, she DID smoke for many years, she didn’t eat very well, well there was a history in her family). I see this as his way to convince himself that nothing bad will happen to him because HE hasn’t done any of the aforementioned acts. I do wonder if some people might be deflecting—- something like this shooting won’t happen to them because they make better parenting choices. Since I wouldn’t take my child to a late movie theatre = means I will be safe from shootings like this. Warped thinking …..but we all want to think something like this wouldn’t happen to us.
Very well said Candace…As a mother of 4 I am shocked on a daily basis that I haven’t lost one of my kids…I think I have a permanent lapse in judgement half the time…I’m tire…run down…they win!!
If someone sat in my home 24/7 and watch me parent my kids…then went and wrote about it for all to see, oh I can’t even imagine the backlash…I KNOW this would be the same for every parent…Marry Fucking Poppins is a Movie and June Clever used to crack..Only way to explain the perma grin…
My parents losts a child, my brother was 26…so as someone who has seen the grief of a parent in that way….a way none of us would ever want to imagine…We need to leave these people alone…
Great post Candace..xo
Thank you – this is so much of what I have been feeling as I’ve seen the discussions go by. I’ve held my tongue because I’m overloaded with grief for these families.
Thank you. Singing praises from the rooftops for this post.
When tragedies occur, people ask why. It’s a coping mechanism and it’s completely normal.
I also disagree that these people need to be left alone. It’s sad and horrific, but times of crisis are when people are most apt to examine their own lives and make a change. The reaction to kids being in that theater isn’t about the parents who lost children in that theater and it isn’t about the time of the movie. It’s just part of a larger dialogue that’s been going on for some time about kids and these types of movies. This is actually a very good time to continue that discussion, because people are apt to listen.
This is about the epidemic of adults taking kids to sit through incredibly violent and dark films. Have you see Christopher Nolan’s version of Batman? I love it, but it is in no way appropriate for a six year old. And yet, all over the United States kids 2-12 will view this movie today, tomorrow and for years to come. In the post above it is said that the parents weren’t intentionally taking their kids to a war zone. From the developmental point of view of a 6 year old, they may as well have been. There is no way for a 6 year old’s brain to parse the violent content of what’s going on in front of him during a movie like that. The last Nolan Batman film was questioned for the level of desensitization to violence our society has reached. And no one should judge another parent for sitting their child in front of that with a bucket of popcorn?
I recently sat in another of these comic book movies for adults and listened to a 3 year old girl crying out begging her father to explain the blood she was seeing on the screen in front of her. I looked back to see her horrified and lost. Her man child father did nothing to explain or help the situation. Not even a covering of her eyes. He remained with his eyes directly ahead and his 5 year old son locked in just as tightly.
It is, apparently, within the range of acceptable freedom for most, but I’m at the end of my rope with it. I see it every time I go to one of these movies and then read questions of people wondering how our society reaches such levels of violence in public places. Does anyone think it’s maybe because we’re pumping our kids full of this stuff long before their brains are ready to handle it? It’s a relevant question in the wake of tragedies like this and while I appreciate a sensitivity to these people, it’s one that needs to be discussed so that everyone will take a minute to think about what we’re doing with these children.
To be clear, I have no problem with the time the kids were in a theater. I have no problem with the 3 month old being there. I have every problem with our society sitting 6 and 10 year olds in front of extreme violent films like this and the effect it has on their minds as kids. You can judge me if you like (and I already know you will), but I think it’s child abuse to intentional sit a 6 year old in front of one of Nolan’s Batman films. I think it’s tragic what happened in this case, but if me raising the issue at this time makes other parents reconsider showing such films to their kids in the future, I don’t feel that it’s out of bounds or insensitive. I do it out of compassion for the kids that are still with us in hopes that a little less violence in their early lives may prevent something like this from happening again in the future.
I fully agree with Cameron and Andrea. I had a long, engaging discussion with a number of friends and we all agreed–selfish, thoughtless parenting.
I was so inspired by this post I wrote my own in response instead of taking up your comments with 72 paragraphs.
Thank you for saying so much of what’s on my mind. I think that sometimes people need to blame the parents as a way to cope with the unthinkable. I just hope that should they ever face tragedy of their own, under any circumstances at all, that they will find more sympathy and support than they are offering here.
Yes. That’s all I can say: yes.
Candace, you’ve said so much here that is on the minds of so many mothers, myself included. As parents we make decisions all the time about where and when we show our kids a good time. A theatre full of people out to see a new movie – any of us could have been there. It has nothing at all to do with the story or the tragic events that unfolded that night. Well said. Again. Shame that we’re participating in this conversation.
Grief stricken parents need only hear the kind words of world…not hateful messages. This is a sadness that they will never stop feeling. I have nothing to say but Why?
Thanks for writing this, Candace. My heart goes out to the families mourning the loss of their loved ones. Shame shouldn’t be part of the scenario they face.
I think people need to lay blame in order to come to terms with the tragedy and in some cases, to make themselves feel better and in some cases more sanctimonious that they would never allow that to happen to their family. The fact of the matter is, this could just as easily have been a matine showing.
People often feel the need to lay blame and since we already know who perpetrated the crime, we don’t know WHY. So we blame the victims for being there.
I think you may lost sight of what this blog is about. A 3 month year old child has lost his life, not because he’s seen an inappropiate movie but because a of a random act of violence that no one could have ever predicted!
You’ve missed the point, this is not about a parental decision. Regardless of what ever reason the mother chose to bring her son to the movie, the decision did not cause the outcome. This could have happened anywhere and was caused by a twisted individual who thought out and planned a horrendous and cowardly act of violence. Utlimately someone felt the need to write and defend a woman who is being scrutinized and to made to think she is to blame for her child’s death. We are not “wing nuts” but rather people who care about other people. This is not about “bad parenting or selfishness” this is about people having compassion for others at a horrendous time in their life. This is not the time to chastise this woman but to feel empathy for her, this was her local movie theatre not a place that she would have expected to put her son in danger.
If the appropriateness of kids being at a movie like that is something that needs to be discussed (I’m not sure it is, but everyone has the right to their own opinion), then DISCUSS IT ANOTHER TIME. This really isn’t the time or the place, unless you’re trying to say that they deserve it because they were stupid enough to make that decision.
You know what, I would never take my 12 year old to a midnight screening of a PG13 movie either. But that’s my call as a parent, and each parent has a right to make their own decisions. To insinuate that the parents of these victims are somehow to blame for their children’s DEATH because they took them to a MOVIE is cruel, disgusting and frankly what is really wrong with the world NOT ‘bad’ parenting.
Unlike car seats, medical choices and other big decisions that parents have to make every day, taking your kids to the movies shouldn’t be a life or death decision. Just because it wouldn’t be your decision or mine doesn’t mean those children deserved to die. No parent should have to go through that.
I do hope that sitting in judgment of people who are currently living out the worst horror of their lives made you feel a little bit better about your own. Although I’m sure there are better ways to feel better about your own life, but whatever works, I suppose.
I am blown away by the comments here insisting that yes, it’s too bad the kids were killed, but they really shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Completely missing the point.
Great post, Candace. I couldn’t agree more.
If we’re lucky the government will intervene and institute a parenting license to prevent future tragedies like this. Questions on the test can include “Would you ever let your 12 year old watch a PG13 movie?” and whatever else you and your friends consider bad parenting. Then we won’t have to rely on madmen to execute the children of Bad Parents everywhere.
“…in hopes that a little less violence in their early lives may prevent something like this from happening again in the future” Although I personally wouldn’t let my kids watch a movie like this for all kinds of different reasons, I don’t believe for a minute that watching a PG13 movie causes a kid to turn into a killer. Someone like that has something seriously wrong with them with a much deeper cause. Your comments are completely inappropriate to this discussion.
You say “wing nut”, I say “humanity”.
Andrea and Cameron, This sort of judgment is just the thing that hurts all of us. Is it never ok to do something a little crazy like take your kids to a midnight movie? Why does that make someone a bad parent? My friend always took her 4 children (regardless of age) to the midnight movie showings of Harry Potter. They talk about those memories as some of their favorites. Why you would take this opportunity to criticize someone’s parenting says so much about you and very little about them.
Candace, what a beautiful post. Thank you.
Cameron I’m beyond shocked at your reply. I’m not sure why the four year old was there and frankly I don’t care. As for the 12 year olds again who cares. My kids have both seen PG movies before they were 13 some kids are more mature beyond there years. I have also woke them up to take them to a midnight screening of a movie that they have waited and waited to be released. As an added note I also take them for fast food on the way and when we come home we lay on the couch and talk about the movie and most times fall asleep there. I don’t see this as being a bad parent I see it as making memories!
Who are you to judge anyone? I’m sure you’ve made mistakes along the way the difference is a tragedy didn’t happen where people started scrutinizing and pointing fingers. Instead of judging how about showing some compassion.
Candace what a great post. Really who cares why they were there. They were, it happened, have enough decency to show compassion and say I’m sorry for your loss and stop judging.
I am shocked at some of the comments I’ve read above. I think it is the parents that should be left to decide what age their child can do what. I have a son that is well read and far beyond his age in years. I’ve always made the decisions based on “are they ready” not how old they are.
I am a mom that has taken my kids to see midnight screenings of movies and even let them sleep in in the morning and miss school. Again, I’m their parent it’s my decision and it’s our life memories that we are making.
I totally agree with you! I have always been a parent who believes in loving and spending time with your kids, and if that is perhaps not on someones rule list, well tough. I think that in the end your children as long as you raise them with the basic rules and respect can handle some things that are perhaps not the “norm”. Nobody has the right to judge this poor mom and believe me she is paying a price far too high for taking her baby to see a movie! My daughter became ill with a life threatening illness, then a second in the past year and let me tell you it taught me that time is our greatest gift with our kids, so those who are judging her should remember the verse that tells us, “Judge not, that ye be not judged. That mother loved her child like we all love our children and placing blame on her for some mad mans terrible misdeeds is awful! 🙁
When my daughter was 3 months old I would have taken her to a midnight showing… she slept through any and everything. I understand why people disagree with taking a 6 year old to a movie like DKR, but this isn’t the time to voice your opinions on parenting. Even the greatest, most cautious parents could have been victims to this crime. Evil people will be evil, no matter the time of day.
Somebody earlier said that movies shouldn’t be a life or death decision and I completely agree. These parents are never going to forgive themselves.
Amen Annie!
I like you, Maranda.
I am trying SO hard to NOT judge some of the comments here, but it’s SO hard for me to hold my tongue sometimes….
What’s next? Don’t take your kids to the mall because you’re teaching them materialism and consumerism? Don’t take your kids out to eat because all restaurants serve food that’s less than perfect for their growing bodies? Don’t work outside the home because all children absolutely HAVE to have one parent at home while they’re growing up or they’ll be scarred for life? Don’t ever get a divorce even if your spouse is abusive or negligent or just plain useless because that will cause grave mental anguish to your kids? Don’t teach your kids about sex or sexuality because that will make them promiscuous? Hell, don’t talk to them about drugs or alc0hol so they don’t become an addict.
I really wish I lived on the high moral ground that some of these other people do. Then I too could preach down to the unenlightened masses about how egregious their sins are and how they should be at the very least holding themselves to my perfection.
Thank you for writing this! My point exactly!
I had not heard that their were people saying critical things about the vicitms. That’s screwed up. To imply that, due to the hour of the day, they had a role in their child’s murder, is out of touch with real life. This is so terrifying to me, I haven’t been able to process it fully. I can barely think about it. Before it happened and not due to any personal involvement in any other disaster, I think about the possibility of s gunman opening fire in nearly every public place I take my family.
To condemn. Hubris.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hubris