My son, Finley, is significantly bigger than a lot of kids his age. At just 5, he’s outgrowing many of his size 7 pants, his size 1 shoes are starting to get a little tight, and he weighs about half as much as I do. He doesn’t recognize his own strength, and I often have to remind him that he’s too big and too strong to be so rough… with me. I’ve had accidental bruises from playing with him and not so accidental bruises from the rare occasions when he’s lashed out physically.
Knowing his size, his weight, and his strength, I’ve always worried that he might hurt another child at preschool, either accidentally through play or even on purpose, as he lacks the impulse control to not take a swing at someone who’s pushed/hit/kicked him (don’t we all?). I braced myself for calls or being pulled aside by a teacher to tell me that Finley had hurt another child.
I wasn’t prepared to learn that he’s often on the receiving end of the meanness that only little kids are capable of.
At his old preschool, it was handled incredibly well. At his day home, I attempted to approach the other mother when things got out of control. I quickly learned where the offending kid got his hateful spirit, as she launched a full-blown verbal attack on me. (We left the day home shortly thereafter.) I don’t usually interfere in kid stuff because kids need to learn how to handle conflict, but in this case I had to. I want my son to have coping skills and I encourage him to stand up to kids who are unkind to him, or even to his friends. He just… doesn’t. Despite his size and how tough he is with me, Finley is a doormat when it comes to other kids, and it breaks my heart.
We’ve been at the new preschool for a month now. One child’s name is constantly mentioned on our drive or walk home. My son often gets emotional: “Kid X hit me with a stick today and it really hurt.” “Kid X told me he was going to come to our house and hurt Duncan.” “Kid X is really mean to me. I told Teacher and she told me to ignore it, but sometimes Kid X really, really hurts me and Teacher just doesn’t care about me.”
I saw Kid X in action while waiting for Finley to gather his things one afternoon; Kid X first threw a large rock at me and then deliberately hit me in the back with a shovel. When I asked him to stop, he tried to kick me. The preschool teachers awkwardly smiled at me and then tried to distract Kid X. Another afternoon, he kicked one teacher so hard she cried out. My son has a hard time falling asleep some nights, and tells me he’s afraid that Kid X is going to hurt him. More than once, he’s asked to stay home because he doesn’t want to see Kid X. I’m not a professional, but my prior education in Child and Youth Care Work tells me that there’s something wrong – but I don’t feel it’s my place to speak up.
I was raised to treat others — even the kids who were mean to me or who I didn’t like — with respect, and to always be kind. This is how I’m raising my son… but sometimes “killing them with kindness” doesn’t work. I’m debating having a conversation with the director of the preschool and the teachers to address some of mine, and my son’s, concerns. But I want to know… what would YOU do?
Burning Rubber on the Cooper Tire Test Track
I would get involved – meeting with the teacher and principal at the very least. I know what you mean about wanting him to learn – I feel the same way most of the time with regards to N and the grade 1 playground dramas. But this sounds more serious than the “So and So said she wouldn’t be my friend anymore” stuff that I’m hearing. The fact that this kid is hitting teachers and you? Ummm no…
Do it!! Don’t let Finley know that you are making this intervention on his behalf, although you might have to at a later date! If the bullying continues, he needs to know that you have his back! Sometimes, we have to advocate for our kids……….no, not sometimes……we always have to have their back!
I would do it. That isn’t just playful hitting. Sometimes you have to be the momma bear and step in. I know our kindergarten has ZERO tolerance for this. I watched the playground once during recess and saw how quick they are to respond to any kind of hitting or violence. He is only five. The teachers should be listening to him and not pushing it aside. There is no way this should be happening with five year olds. The teachers should be doing a better job watching them and stopping bullies at this age rather then letting the bullies get away with it and grow up thinking it is acceptable behavior.
I would totally step in. There is a line between normal playground conflict and bullying, and Kid X is firmly over the line. He has physically assaulted your son, teachers, and you? Yeah. Take no prisoners. And I *would* tell Finley you’re intervening. He trusts you with his fear about this kid; he needs to see that when things get serious you’ll support him.
We’ve had ongoing issues with a bully at our school; he targeted my oldest son for years. If you want to talk more about how we dealt with it, just drop me a note, OK?
What do we tell our kids to do? We tell them to tell an adult in charge? we tell them to tell their parents because the parents will deal with it. Finley has done his part, he’s told his parents, and his teachers and now it’s their turn to fix it. If it is not dealt with now and if it is not “told” now it will continue to happen and the trust Finley needs in the system is lost.
A VP of a school once told me if you are going through an intersection and 2 cars collide and someone gets hurt, who do you go to? Do you just sweep it off to the side of the road and hope it wont happen again? or do we get the law involved, and change laws at this intersection? Time to MOM up!
I actually brought it to the teacher’s attention since I first wrote the post. She’s responded that Kid X and my son play, so she doesn’t feel it’s “that bad” and spun it as being an attention-getting thing. I’ve asked her to keep a closer eye on the two of them, and that I will continue to ask my son, daily, how things are. He’s honest and open with me, and I fully intend to share that feedback with the teachers. Hopefully things will improve for both Kid X *and* Finley. Thanks for commenting! 🙂
I think that sometimes this behaviour is “hidden” from the teacher’s view, like when they are preparing lunch or otherwise engaged in an activity. This certainly doesn’t make it OK, but I know there are a couple of “difficult” children in the group that certainly distract. It’s scary to think that little people can be so hurtful! 🙁
Hannah, I would love that! I think what I find hardest is the way the teacher’s seem to brush it off as “attention-getting” behaviour, or “boys will be boys”. Yes, kids act out for attention sometimes. There’s obviously something more serious at play here, though. We’re attending a birthday party along with Kid X and Parent X(x2 perhaps?), so I am hoping that I can see how Kid X interacts with other children and perhaps even have a civil conversation with Parent X. Maybe I’ll discover a condition or (dis)ability I’m totally unaware of, or that Kid X is/was bullied. I only know a little piece of the puzzle, you know? (PS. expect a message like…. now.)