Winter, Go the F**k Away (An Eastern Canadian Poem)

The darkness is long, and it lingers.
The ice is hard on the bay.
It’s so damn cold out it freezes my nose-hairs.
Winter, go the f**k away.

The ground is hard and it’s frozen.
My grass is dead where it lays.
Mr. Groundhog’s a corpse-icle down there.
Please. Go the f**k away.

Leaving bed every morning is torture.
The blankets where I wish I could stay.
But the kid has to get ready for school now.
And winter’s not f**king going away.

I’m so thankful I’m married to someone
who pre-warms our toilet seat every day.
I think if it wasn’t for this fact,
I’d be f**king moving away.

Oh my gawd, the dryness is giving me wrinkles.
Chapped lips are the rule of the day.
I should have bought stock in some frickin’ lotion.
F**k. Now I’ve got a nosebleed. Yay!

You’d be crazy to to want to go out there, 
when you could watch Netflix in sweatpants all day.
But for some reason I’ve chosen to be carless.
And I’ve run out of f**king coffee today.

Outside feels like absolute zero.
Niagara Falls is iced over from spray.
I’m tired of snow that’s up to my butt-cheeks.
Winter, knock this sh*t off, okay??

I haven’t seen sun for a week now.
The sky and my mood are the same shade of grey.
Spring might be “officially” next month,
but it’s a long, f**king time until May.

I’m tired of the “10 Winter Fun Things” blog posts,
And “So, how ’bout that weather, eh?”
If I watch one more “comedian” weatherman,
I might have to beat them to death with cliches.

Welp, now there’s snow falling sideways.
Perhaps I should invest in a sleigh.
It’s that, or I’m winning the lotto,
So we can run the f**k away.

 

Image Source Handimania and “STOP Snowing!” by John Talbot .