In my mind my exit is dramatic. In a final fit of frustration I shutter my blog, write a goodbye on sites I freelance for and exit with a “take this job and shove it” finger in the air. It’s a thing of beauty.
Except that the job I’m shoving is of my own creation. And how do you tell your boss to go pound salt, when you’re the boss? Self-employment can really suck some days.
There are days I miss the monotony of working for someone else; the security of a steady paycheque. I miss the benefits and RRSP contributions. I even, occasionally, miss getting dressed in pretty clothes to go to the office.
I hate that I have to chase down money owed to me. My old employer always paid me on time and was even kind enough to deposit it directly in my bank account for me. Now I write emails that are sickeningly sweet like “Hi there, Just a friendly reminder, that I am still awaiting payment for the job I did for you four months ago. Could you kindly let me know when I can expect it. It would seem that my last ten emails to you have landed in your spam account, so that must be why you’re not answering me”
Quite obviously what I’d really like to write is “Where’s my effin’ money? Did you pay all your bills on time this month? I’d like to as well you thoughtless piece of….” Well you get the idea. But one must bite their tongue if one would like to work again and so you do what you have to do to get by.
Then there’s the constant struggle with my damn ethics. Recently I was pitched to write about a gambling website. First, I don’t gamble. Secondly, I think gambling is basically pissing your money away. Third, I don’t know a royal flush from a toilet flush, BUT, damn if that little pitch didn’t pay well, and so inspired the internal debate.
We’re paying for braces, cheerleading, University tuition, right? Other people like to gamble, right? This could really, REALLY help at Christmas time, right? It took me about 2 minutes to process all this before I deleted it and moved on but it’s one of hundreds and hundreds of “tempting” offers thrown my way and so yes, it’s a constant struggle to ensure that I only work with best fits.
Then there’s the quiet judgement. When I used to drive my car to the bank and sit at a desk I was “working”. Now when I sit at my desk and write a post that pays me, I’m “selling out”. A post that had to pass through my whole “ethics debate” before becoming a reality makes me a sell-out.
Finally, the hustle was never my favourite dance but I do it every day baby. Hustle to get paid, hustle to get and keep traffic, hustle to keep the content a healthy mix between what pays me and what fulfills me, hustle to get work done on other sites and hustle to stay in this crazy, crazy world that as much as I want to walk away from it some days I suspect I never will.
Why not?
Because tomorrow I’m going to love it again. Some amazing opportunity will come my way and I’ll be moonwalking around my office singing to the dog “Who’s Bad? I’m bad. You know it”
I’ll love it because I’ll be able to leave my desk at noon and come back to it at 8 so I can spend time with my girls when it works for them. I’ll love it because it keeps bringing the most amazing like-minded self-employed lunatics into my life. I’ll love it because it’s mine and while I quite appreciated the stability of my old job, I really did loathe the predictability of it.
No, this lifestyle is by choice and most days it’s right where I want to be. I just need to figure out a way to complain about the boss without her finding out.
Oh I hear you 100%! I have days like this and just let it ride knowing that the negative/frustrated feelings will pass and I’ll be loving it again the next day.
Laughing ’til it hurts!
Honestly, I was looking at the “help wanted” ads this week. Its the constant selling… ‘hey, look at me… over here… do you see me?” “I’ve got a great little blog… hire me…” Then I just go to Starbucks and write another post…
*Clapping* Love this post! 😉
I recently rejigged my resume, so I get this and I don’t even have things to debate over yet. Anyway, whatever your dance is, it’s working.
Yep. All that and more.
So much more. The need to vent was strong in me today 🙂
Thanks Kat. It feels like it’s working some days and then, well you know, some days I’m dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld. Not pretty.
Thanks Tammi. I know you totally get what I’m saying.
Yes, yes, yes!! And it’s feast or famine and you can never relax. And on the other hand it’s fun. Self-employment has it’s challenges.
I’m glad Leslie, because I know you feel my pain. 🙂
Exactly. I know this too, but when you’re in the moment you blog it 🙂
I have days like this too and you’re right, we’ll love it again tomorrow. 🙂
I haven’t yet had days where I want to quit, but I have passed up a few high paying opportunities (that really would have come in handy) because they just didn’t sit with me…. a gambling site was one of them…… and adult site another……
I totally get what you are saying! Being your own boss is quite amazing for lots of things… but there are things that are hard….like the consistent overtime. 🙂
I’ve been demanding pay up front recently, and it has helped a lot to remove the stress. Past clients are on credit. If a new client approaches you with a writing opportunity and does not pay upfront, I’d just move on…too much risk involved.
Great post! I share your frustrations on a smaller scale. Only those who do what we do really get it. Go easy on your boss, she sounds pretty great! 😉
Love this post! I feel everything you said every day too, but I could never write about it as humorously and eloquently as you have.! It’s a hard gig some days. Then other days it’s exhilarating! Thanks for the great laugh and the feeling of “Ok. I am NOT alone in this!”. Angie xo
I relate to this too much! Hunting down payment continues to be my least favourite job. Wish I could give that to someone else to do but oh yeah, I’m self employed and for the most part loving it…except for that and sometimes it’s a big THAT 🙂
Hi Candace…
First time reading your blog: as a freelance writer, blogger, and social media manager I live your pain. And then there are days like Tuesday when I took off in the middle of the day to walk downtown and look at all the Christmas decorations while I sipped a Chai Latte. Paid for by my freelancing work… life can be good.
Cheers!
Life is good, but if you didn’t feel the lows you wouldn’t appreciate the highs. As I suspected I’m back moonwalking again. 😉
Worst.Job.Ever. And why does it make ME feel guilty?
You work so hard Angie, I know you understand where I’m coming from. You are most definitely not alone. Sending you a virtual toast, “Cheers, sista”
Thanks Kelly. It’s true that those in the trenches understand this the best.
Fortunately, I have not been stiffed yet, but I have had to spend a ridiculous amount of time chasing money down. Hate that. I like your system. 🙂
And it doesn’t pay double time LOL!
Exactly. And those opportunities pass our way a lot. It’s not worth it though. One crappy post like that and all credibility is gone. I’d rather have that.
Exactly. The lows make you appreciate the highs 🙂