The other night I called my mom to blow off steam. My teen girls had been pushing all my buttons, as teens do, and I needed a sounding board — someone who had been there, done that. My mother reminded me that there was nothing terribly unusual with their behaviour, they were simply doing what teens have done since time began. She encouraged me to be strong, it would all be okay, and then added as an afterthought, “I’m just glad I’m not raising kids in 2017.” Um, thanks Mom?
After I calmed down and gained some perspective, I realized my mom was right. I need to remain strong and everything will be alright. While I agree with her that raising teens in a digital age creates its own unique challenges, there are a lot of good things that come with it too. While I would never put myself forth as a parenting expert, nor would my teen girls for the record, I have acquired a few tips along the way that keep me focused on the task at hand—getting two girls to adulthood without losing my mind.
Many of these tips have been acquired through seeing what works for other parents and adapting to our family, so pick and choose what works for you and then pass it on.
Practice Your Best Resting Parent Face
My girls tell me just about everything. I’m not delusional, I don’t for two seconds think they lay it all at my feet, but I do know that they open up about things I wouldn’t have even considered with my parents. The reason for this is that I have spent years practicing my neutral face. Just like poker players practice not having tells, parents need this skill for the teen years. If your teens see shock, anger, dismay, disappointment, or fear cross your face, they’ll clam up.
Pro tip: For funsies, play this game with your girlfriends over wine. Practice telling each other the most shocking things you’ll think your teens will ever say to you and see if you can keep a neutral expression. This may seem silly but remember, these women are in the trenches too. Sometimes a little levity is a good reminder that this won’t be forever.
Find Their Currency, Then Use It
Just like we have motivators that push us out of bed in the morning and accomplish things, so do teens, except that they have a counterforce tugging them the other way. Teen malaise is a thing and it can be hard to overcome, unless you find their currency. For some teens it’s sports, for others it’s money, and for many—like my two—it’s data.
Nothing gets my teens attention faster than potentially losing data. It holds more value to them than money, and so I use it to my advantage. Want an hour to lie around and surf? Then, quid pro quo Clarice, quid pro quo.
I use data to get chores accomplished around the house, homework done, or even just to make them pay attention to me when I need their focus. “Payment” in this currency is easier than ever with Rogers Share Everything Plan. I can monitor their data usage via the Rogers app on my phone and when I need to I can temporarily limit their access. Since we’ve moved to this plan, they don’t lose hours of their life in Snapstreaks, and I don’t lose hours of my life chasing after them to get things done.
Be The Cool Mom, Not The Regular Mom
I’m not saying you should be your teen’s BFF; you’re the parent, they’re the child. Those lines, especially in the teen years, need to be clear. That being said, you don’t need to be so uptight you never have fun anymore. Learn the language your kids are speaking and have fun with it. Do it for the ‘gram, watch YouTube together, and take a million filtered pictures. Also, if you don’t take a picture of your Starbucks cups together, then it didn’t happen.
While this might seem silly at first, remember what you’re really doing—spending time with your teen. Study after study shows that while on the surface teens do their very best to push you away, they are actually longing to spend more time with you. Find a way to do it on their terms and you’ll be closer for it.
Have Their Friends Over, A Lot
We have teens at our house constantly. It’s so expected now that I always make extra for dinner, and I routinely buy spare toothbrushes for last minute sleepovers. Nobody is going to have more influence over my kids in the next few years than their friends, so mi casa su casa.
I treat my teens’ friends like family, they are always welcome. Conversely that means if they wake up at my house on a Saturday morning, they help to clean the house; just like family.
Define Your Boundaries
This is about self-preservation parents. We didn’t have instant access to our parents, and just because our kids do, doesn’t mean they should. I’m going to bet that most parents of teens have got the “Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom” text more than once. When my teens do this now, I block them. Sounds harsh, but I do this for two reasons.
First, my stress level—death by text is not my preferred way to leave this world. Secondly, my teens need to figure stuff out on their own because I’m not doing this gig forever. Do not be your teen’s Google. Just because teens can have instant access to everything on the internet doesn’t mean they should have instant access to you. Set the example and draw the boundaries early; you’ll never regret it.
This post has been proudly sponsored by Rogers Communications Inc. All opinions are those of the author.
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PRACTICE YOUR BEST RESTING PARENT FACE
My tip is to not be afraid to take the phone away – sometimes it’s got to be done!
My favourite tip from your post is – FIND THEIR CURRENCY, THEN USE IT. That works for more than just teens! My best tip for raising teens in a digital age is to be consistent, and work as a team with your partner in how you handle situations as they arise.
A good one is Practice Your Best Resting Parent Face. Take away their phones when needed. They are a privilege not a right.
My favorite tip is to have their friends over a lot. We have always been welcoming to our kid’s friends and now that I have two teens, I love how well we know their friends because of all the time they spend here. Another tip to add is, if you have a parenting partner, make sure you have each others backs. Teens are smart and will divide and conquer if they have the chance.
Finding their currency is a great tip. Turning off data is brilliant!
My favourite tip is Have Their Friends Over, A Lot- you get to know the people your kids are hanging out with! My tip is make sure teens are aware of the dangers of social media and technology, and that they know where to go for help if needed.
I like how you get the friends in on the house cleaning that’s pretty smart.as for my tips listen then think for a minute then reply, don’t jump to answer anything too fast
Find Their Currency, Then Use It, is my favourite tip. My tip is – Don’t get involved too early in disputes. Let them try and work those battles out for themselves.
My best tip when raising a teen is to limit their internet use. Dont let them always have all out access.
I love the tip about having their friends over, I think it’s really important! My tip would be to have them share their social media passwords
Practice Your Best Resting Parent Face , and yes take there phone away if needed , it won’t kill them
HAVE THEIR FRIENDS OVER, A LOT – my parents were firm believers in this – we all turned out great!
All these are great tips, Thank you…My favorite would be having their friends over, and giving them their space…
I like you part about Having Their Friends over a lot. I only have my son 50% of the time so he has to squeeze in friend time and Mom time together. If friends are over, I still get to see him but he’s still enjoying time with his friends.
My best tip is to limit their internet use
I love your tip Be The Cool Mom, Not The Regular Mom! My mom and I had a rocky relationship in my teens. All we did was fight and I was afraid to talk to her about anything because I didn’t want her to yell…whereas my dad was more easy going and i told him everything!! we have a great relationship now…just like good friends…but for my two daughters I would love for us to be that way the whole way through. They are still too young for a phone just yet…even tho i know my three year old would like to upgrade her toy phone LOL
Great tips! Letting them have friends over is great!
Engage with their friends – make them feel welcome in your home. If you show respect to them, they will only continue to show respect to you and your home!
I like having their friends over…a lot. I think that’s a great idea. My parents did this and we always had big groups of friends and they always knew where we were. It was always fun too.
I don’t yet have a teen (but close 11) and we ensure we’re wholly a part of her life. I know her friends and their parents and make sure I’m involved at her school as much as I can be.
I like the statement, don’t be your teen’s google. I try to limit time spent on the phone by insisting it is off at 9pm.
having thier friends come over and be willing to sacriffice your own time taking them to things they want to do like sports/events.
My fave was “FIND THEIR CURRENCY, THEN USE IT”. I don’t have any teens but my tip is to keep up with the digital age because when you can relate to them, you build on your relationship.
Be a cool parent and always be
My favorite tip is a combination of 2 of the above, be a cool mom and have their friends over a lot. My mom did this and she says it was to keep an eye on what we were doing. My tip is to be aware of what they’re doing online. Cyber bullying is the worst in high school.
My best tip would be to monitor your kids phone use and know what they are doing. I love the HAVE THEIR FRIENDS OVER, A LOT tip!
I have to agree with the ” having friends over often” tip, it worked well for me and at the same time gave me a bit of a break.
I liked this tip:”Pro tip: For funsies, play this game with your girlfriends over wine. Practice telling each other the most shocking things you’ll think your teens will ever say to you and see if you can keep a neutral expression. This may seem silly but remember, these women are in the trenches too. Sometimes a little levity is a good reminder that this won’t be forever.”
My tip would be schedule family night with board games or something
My favourite tip is to define your boundaries – this is so important so they have their own privacy. My own tip would be to establish weekly time where you can do an activity that you both like together!
The tip that I like the most is :”Pro tip: For funsies, play this game with your girlfriends over wine. Practice telling each other the most shocking things you’ll think your teens will ever say to you and see if you can keep a neutral expression. This may seem silly but remember, these women are in the trenches too. Sometimes a little levity is a good reminder that this won’t be forever.”
My best tip for raising a teen in a digital time is to put parental blocks on certain sites and set a limit on their internet time. 🙂
We have to define our boundaries and we are the PARENTS. Our kids is part of the instant gratification generation and I think it is our job to teach them about reality and be resilient when faced with obstacles and challenges.
Change the wifi password. That’s what my sister in law does.
My favorite tip is being inclusive. Have the friends over, treat them like family, keep an eye on them all and share values (and morning chores). Just remember what it’s like to be a teen. You dont have the experience to guide you through events, which makes everything terrifying, exciting, and dramatic. Be there for them, and show them how to develop those skills. ??
My tip, set good examples, do not text while driving for example. The tip I liked of yours was ” Learn the language your kids are speaking and have fun with it.’
My fave tip is do not be afraid to take the phone away. I would add to make sure you take interest in their interests – for example a tv show so you can have a default baseline of communication.
Love – Define Your Boundaries tip. This one is so so important because nowadays it seems its the teens that are the most important & can be the centre of attention – Not So!
My tip is – don’t be afraid to voice your opinion – instead of letting the teenagers get away with a ton of things. They still have to follow rules for your & their sanity & safety.
My favourite tip is be a cool mom, not a regular mom. It’s one thing I have to work on because I think it is so important to be on the same page. My tip would be to set phone-free/tech-free times (like during dinner time or rides to school, etc) to allow for more family time and bonding.
Finding their currency then use it would be my favorite tip. I usually do the same and take away some privileges.
Having their friends over, a lot is a good one. Knowing who they hang out with is important.
My tip is learning their language and understanding them.
I like the practice your best resting parent face tip. My tip is to limit internet access, but let them know what they are, ie one hour on school nights do there are not constant arguments.
I like the practice your best resting parent face tip. My tip is to monitor their activity online…sometimes having them as a friend on Facebook, etc. helps.
My favourite tip is defining your boundaries. My tip is that you should keep communicating at all times
I like DEFINE YOUR BOUNDARIES because today most kids are given everything and work for nothing and I believe that kids should definitely have to figure some things out on their own and they need to start doing more things on their own or they’ll never be productive adults
My favourite tip is Be The Cool Mom, Not The Regular Mom, and my tip would be to always know what they’re doing online!
Have Their Friends Over, A Lot is my favourite tip. It’s definitely a good idea to get to know your kids’ friends!
Have their friends over often is best advice.
My favourite is find their currency and use it. This can be applied to all ages really. I don’t really have a huge tip, as technology has grown so fast in the last decade. The issues I deal with my 7, 9 and 10 year olds are issues that never popped up with my now 20 and 23 year olds. I didn’t even have a computer/internet until about 11 years ago. I do monitor my youngest boys online, what they are searching, what they are watching.
I love you can limit access ! For what ever reason you have this is a great feature ! Love getting chores and things done to great idea for both sides !
my fave tip is to have their friends over a lot. Their peer group is so important to them and this way you get to know them and you know where your kids are.
My tip is getting outside (camping, hiking, boating) etc and leaving the tech behind.
this is great for everyone.
My favorite tip is Be The hippest mom out there. I don’t own a cell phone so this would be cool for me Thank You
I like the tip on defining your boundaries! So important for EVERY relationship in your life… I think for raising teens you need to be aware things are not the same as tehy were 10 years ago – really be aware
Have Their Friends Over, and know their passwords
My favourite tip is Find Their Currency, Then Use It. My best tip is to limit their internet use.
My favourite tip is having their friends over a lot. I would take the phone away no problem.
I like the ‘data as currency’ tip. Data is worth more than gold to teens! In this 2017 era it can be challenging raising a teenager. The Rogers Share Everything Plan sounds really useful!
My best tip is have boundaries surrounding their accounts & time spent on social media. They can get way too involved in teen dramas & seeking out ‘likes’ on their photos. Unplug sometimes & get back to basics.
I like “Find their currency, then use it” I think its important to bridge the gap between being their friend and not knowing anything about their world. You MUST know and participate just enough.
HAVE THEIR FRIENDS OVER, A LOT this way you get to know what their friends are like, and having their phone taken away as a punishment is a good idea- if they act up
I have a two tier family. Three boys that I have almost gotten over the teen years, that doesn’t end at 19 ? and a 9 year old who’s yet to get there. I definitely use data, electronics and media to get what I want lol I am not ashamed. Love this post!
My favorite tip is: Have Their Friends Over, A Lot. My tip is also one from above, deal in their currency. Nothing hits home harder than losing data privileges.
My favorite tip is to have their friends over a lot. My tip is to have no phones at meal time, just time to eat & connect with family at the table
My favourite tip is define your boundaries. I think it’s important to set a limit on tech time and set priorities!
My favorite tip is have their friends over a lot! My friend’s mom that we all hung out with a!ways knew it all
My favourite tip is Define Your Boundaries! Another tip is to make sure you’re teen knows how to be safe on social media!
My favourite tip is; “Find their currency, then use it”. I already do this with my 7 going on 17 year old. I’m the “mean Mum” and I’m OK with that.
My pro tip for raising teens (and maybe this will change when my 7 year old actually becomes a teen lol); Listen to them! Honestly, no matter how ridiculous it is (We all know how ridiculous teenage life is). Listening to them is one of the most important things about being a parent, especially now more than ever in this technology age.
I like the boundries tip, and mine is to take the phone away if needed (punishment or dinner it gets left upstairs).
Also any social media they arent willing to let me see isnt happening
Find their currency and use it was a great tip and I think teens need to know that if their parents want to limit screen time it’s because they want to raise awareness to the importance of having a connection with your child and to being present.
Having your kid’s friends over a lot is so very important. It makes for a lively home and you get to know your kids much better through their friends. We have family dinner together without technology. We talk with one another and there are no phones, etc. allowed. Thanks for the super giveaway opportunity!
Having friends over often is the best tip from the article, my tip would be to set time limits and using devices
Having their friends over a lot! Easy way to know they are not getting into any trouble. My tip is to set limits.
Finding their currency is a great tip.
Have their friends over a lot. I always liked to drive for activities so I had the kids and their friends in the car so I could eavesdrop on how they spoke to each other. It was a great way to get to know their friends by having them over.
having friends over is awesome, you now what they are upto and that they are also not stuck behind a screen and actually socializing.
I like the tip of having friends over regularly. And I think the best tip I would have as a teacher to teens is to be an example. Use YOUR smart phone wisely and respectfully as you expect them to.
HAVE THEIR FRIENDS OVER, A LOT, you get to know who their friends are. My best tip is don’t be afraid to take their cell phone away. I believe in consequences.
I like the find their currency tip… my kids are still young but my only tip would be to make sure you still understand technology well enough to know what they are doing and what they want.
Love “HAVE THEIR FRIENDS OVER, A LOT” and also its good to put away the phone every so often.
I love the tip about having friends over. We followed that and it helped a lot. Also limit time on tech products.
Practice your best neutral face is my fav (and what I need to work on). 🙂 I think it’s important to have coffee dates together on a regular basis to check in with your kids and see what’s going on. Loved the fun selfie reminder too.
Have their friends over, Alot is my fave tip.. My tip would be just to check in with your teen and know what they are doing online.
As a parent of a teen daughter your perspective on parenting is great. If you want to teach time management after they don’t listen take away there charger they tend to learn it rather quickly then.
Limit phone time if need to take it away!
Love the having the friends over a lot comment. We did it when our kids were teenagers. Their friends always enjoyed coming over and allowed us to be present as well.
As for electronics, they don’t need to have their faces in their phones, 24/7. Charging of the phones is done at night, not in the bedrooms.
I talk to my kids like people. Some parents talk down to their kids I talk to my kids like the age they are. If they whine or talk back conversation stops until they want to talk to me like a person!
I love the tip about finding their currency. That is a must if you want to get their attention.
My best tip is to have fun with them. Send them emojis and silly texts. Make them feel that they can talk to you via text if they feel like they can’t talk about something face to face. Although it can be frowned upon to communicate via screen rather than in person, having cell phones opened up a whole new world of being able to communicate with my teen sons, especially my son with autism who finds it hard to talk about certain things.
limit their internet use
My favourite tip of yours is definitely the Resting Parent Face! Haha! I think my best tip for raising teens in a digital age is to have patience, patience, patience and to trust your parental instincts.
Love the tip about having their friends over. My tip is to have passwords to all their social media accounts or they don’t get the phone
HAVE THEIR FRIENDS OVER, A LOT-I love this tip. My tip for raisiing teens in a digital age is to not over stress about every little thing. Have trust in them and lots of patience.
Managing the data, it’s definitely what they want the most
DEFINE YOUR BOUNDARIES – this tip is important. My tip is to teach them about the growing problem of text neck.
My tip is I have a rule of no devices at the dinner table. Dinner time in our house is a time for all of us to enjoy a meal together and talk about our day. Very important in our family. The best tip I took away from your post was let them have friends over. I love knowing that my daughter is not embarassed (yet) of her parents (lol) and is always inviting her friends over.
Having their friends over is a great idea
defining boundaries, and also open door policy. Feel free to come and talk to me at any time.
Have their friends over a lot – be the mom that buys the pizza! Keep one foot planted solidly in their lives. <3
I love the defining boundaries tip, something I haven’t really given a lot of thought about. I also love having your house open to their friends!
wow raising teenagers is surely not easy but kids need to be kids ..they need to learn boundaries ..there are rules that need to be followed and they do need their space ..being a parent is not easy but being there for them when needed and not judge when they come to you for advice is a huge thing ..be calm they are still learning and they will make mistakes along the way just like we all have .. I always welcome her friends over and now they all call me mom #2 which I love cause they show respect and my rules .. we are a happy family which we have shown our kids come to us with anything and dont be afraid ..they understand boundaries .. show lots of love and you care just not overbounding them with a little freedom goes a long way
It is important that they know home is their safe place. And that you are there no matter what, to get them, bail them out of a bad situation, and that they can call at any time and you will be there to protect them.
Find Their Currency, Then Use It, is my favourite tip. My tip is to have access to all their accounts and be consistent with all the kids
I would much rather have their friends over at our place !