by Amanda Jette
I have a dirty little secret. Very, very dirty.
I am a terrible housekeeper. Forget domestic goddess; I’m a domestic hoggess.
It’s not that I don’t like clean homes. I love them, actually. I admire the clutter-free spaces occupied by my childless friends. I gently caress the crisp magazine pages that feature sparkling tiles as I whisper, “Someday…” I go to Ikea and pretend the floor model is my living room. (They usually ask me to leave when I start suggesting people knock before coming into someone’s home like they own the place.)
My problem isn’t even that I hate tidying up. I actually find it really therapeutic. When I’m angry I do a lot of deep cleaning. My husband’s big clue that he’s crossed the line is when he sees me scrubbing stuff. I’m spraying venom and earth-friendly cleaner when I get down to toothbrushing the sink, y’all. Better step back.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t tick me off nearly as much as he should if he wants a clean house. If he did, our place would probably look like my Swedish home with the 16 kitchens. I tried talking to our marriage counselor about it. She said perhaps it was time I get my own therapist – maybe one with a few more letters after their name than she has.
I know I’m happier in a clean home, too. I’m more productive. I’m a better mom. I’m a more creative cook and writer. I’m a cheerier wife. Things are just easier when our home is functional, we can find the things we need, and we’re not experiencing excruciating foot pain from stealth Lego assaults.
So, why isn’t my home tidy? Because I have three boys. Three energetic engines chugging through the house at top speed, leaving a trail of terror and toys in their wake. Three grimy little gremlins eating and drinking and touching and wiping wherever they can, whenever they can.
I have three boys. They are not clean. It is their sworn duty to spread dirt far and wide. And I am very tired of picking up after them.
Look, I’m not one of those martyr mommies who walks around sighing and passive-aggressively slamming the dishwasher door as loud as she can while the rest of her family relaxes after the meal she’s cooked them.
Okay, okay, fine. I am sometimes. Or I was. But I’m not anymore. I’ve been demanding more help around here as they’ve gotten older, and they’ve been all, “anything for you, amazing giver of life,” and things have improved greatly.
Okay, okay, fine. They haven’t. I demanded and it totally didn’t work. I mean, it did, but it involved a great deal of yelling on my part and whining on everyone else’s part. And I still make them do it, but only when I have the energy to put into it. And when I don’t have that much energy I do it myself because it’s less work than yelling for half an hour. Also, I get to save my voice so I can sing Ke$ha in the car the next day.
Forced family labour = no singing voice = frowny-faced Maven listening to Ke$ha (who sounds a lot better with her Canadian backup singer.)
So I’m left with a few choices.
1. Do it all myself (or with my husband, who actually does help out a fair bit). This is not an option because I’m trying to commit to a lazier lifestyle and I feel this would sabotage my efforts.
2. Make the kids do it, there’s a lot of complaining, I threaten consequences, I implement consequences, there’s now crying possibly bordering on wailing, and then I get all yell-y and my pop princess gets no morning drive harmonization. My grumpy kids finally clean the living room two hours after I could have done it. This does happen a fair bit, but mostly because I do not want their future partners planning my untimely demise.
3. I train the dogs to clean up. This might actually be easier. My incentive to not yell is that the cocker spaniel will submissively pee all over the floor, and I’m pretty sure dogs can’t learn to work the carpet cleaner.
4. Ask Ke$ha to pay for a housekeeper. We’re pretty tight. It could work.
5. Offer to babysit for anyone who brags about how great their kids are at doing chores. It’s not violating any child labour laws if I’m not actually employing a child, right?
6. Give up. Wave a flag. Drink coffee. Eat chocolate. Throw sacrificial crumbs to the dust bunnies. Write a guest post about what a terrible housekeeper I am.
Done.
When Amanda isn’t chasing after her three boys with a mop and bucket, she writes as The Maven of Mayhem on her personal blog. Thanks to a highly developed caffeine addiction, she’s also a freelance writer, fledgling screenwriter, and raps a pretty believable Jay-Z. You can find her procrastinating on Facebook and Twitter.
Chicken Tortilla Soup
#6 I’m agreeing. It’s only fair…
Loved this article; made me laugh! Status over here: I just checked on my dust bunny babies yesterday and they’re really developing nicely and growing so quickly. I’m such a good dust bunny mama.
I’m thinking I will be going with #6. You can’t expect much when there are 3 kids running around all the time. Add in the dogs and the cats and the white flag just needs to be raised.
Oh my gosh… I can so relate to this. I am the EXACT same way!!! I always tell my hubby he needs to make me angry more often. I don’t even have kids, but our dogs keep the house a nice level of nasty at all times. #6 is where I am at!!!
I do it all myself. Just the way it is. Loved the article. I wish it was as easy as it was back then.
I can so totally relate! I’ve got 4 boys here all 7 and under. They are pretty horrible at keeping things tidy. Unfortunately, I have to nag and plead every.single.day.
I’m such an amateur housekeeper these days. I used to be somewhat anal about it, now I just tidy when people come over. “Nuff said.
but if we didn’t keep dustbunnies, they’d be extinct. really, it’s a SELFLESS act you (and I) are doing, keeping them around. long live dustbunnies!
ha! You totally got me laughing on the training the dog! it seriously WOULD be easier to train our dog to do all the cleaning than me trying to get my 3 kids to help. I am in the exact same situation. They have been trained to clean since they could walk. And it’s been expected that they do age appropriate chores their entire lives. I have no idea why at the age of 7 they decided I was out of my mind to continue to expect this help from them. And that they thought they could whine and complain, and delay and THINK they could get out of it. It hasn’t worked yet…in 3 years that the whining and complaining and delay tactics have started. Yet they still employ them, every SINGLE day. I’m so tired. But I don’t want them to think if they just bide their time long enough they can get away with it. So I keep insisting and requiring it of them. And keep wondering how in the world my Mom got all 9 kids to DO the chores, each day, WiTHOUT being told. Seriously how did she do it?
HA!! This is the best article I have read in a LOOOONG time!!! I used to do EVERYTHING so that my husband wouldn’t be upset but I hit a wall last year and could not pull everything together anymore. I guess getting old and needing more sleep can be blamed for my dust. . . I am glad you chose to write this blog post instead of cleaning your home. None of us would have been able to enjoy your vacuumed living room but we all appreciate your blog 🙂
I get some good cleaning done too when I’m angry. Either that or I workout extra hard. I don’t get angry too often though and haven’t in a while. So my house does need a good dusting and cleaning.
Too funny! I actually enjoy some chores (not all of them of course!) but with my family, there’s no chance of keeping my house as clean as I would like.
I feel your pain, I have 5 kids – 3 of them boys too! I do make them help and yes I too get a lot of complaining but too bad they live in this house too and make a majority of the messes!
Because you have 3 boys? Seriously? I thought having 2 girls was the reason my house wasn’t tidy! I remember a long time ago when the kids were little someone telling me the explanation of chaos. “Can’t have anyone over syndrome.” Forget feeding the dustbunnies… My house is clutter chaos. LOL
I LOVE this post!!! So glad to see that I’m not alone. I love visiting clean homes, it is so relaxing. I have clean clothes, but they are piled high on the couch, etc. No one helps, and I deserve to rest and watch tv too!
A good wife knows her place. PIFFFF TO THAT. Ain’t nobody got time for that. LOL, what a great post. Made me chuckle. 🙂
So funny! What a great article!
I cannot believe that article from Good Housekeeping. I’m so glad those days are over!
Ever since I started full time work, you don’t even want to see my house! Trust me!
That article from Good Housekeeping made me laugh. It’s so funny how times change. I do my best, but it’s not always there, I’ll admit. Between work and a very active let’s-see-how-many-toys-I-can-pile-in-the-living-room preschooler, there’s just not always time!