For years I’ve listened to moms I know tell me of their homework woes. They would share the frustration of hours upon hours spent doing homework with their children. I’ve always been respectful, I mean, this is after all their child, but inside I always viewed these statements with bemusement and confusion. Occasionally I would even question if perhaps I was doing it wrong. Could it be? Maybe I too should be sitting shoulder to shoulder with my children doing their math? Maybe I too should be proofreading their work? Helping with projects? Making sure their work is done?
Nah.
For me the answer has always been pretty easy. I went to school. I did my time.
Today, I found my validation. An article in The Atlantic cites a study that pretty much says if you’re doing your kids homework with them they’re no further ahead, in fact you may be holding them back.
From personal experience, I can say that my total lack of involvement in the homework process has made my kids brighter and more accountable students. Forgot your homework at school? Oh well, have fun explaining that to your teachers. Didn’t study? Enjoy that ‘F’ on your upcoming test. Help you with your math? Bahahahahahaha. Oooh-we, that’s a knee slapper.
Aside from the fact that I don’t agree with doing my kids homework for various reasons — been there, done that, who’s homework is this?, why am I studying long division again? — there’s also the added fact that I didn’t go to teacher’s college. It’s always been very clear to me that helping my children with math would do far more harm than good. I am a firm believer that if my child doesn’t understand something they learned at school, it is my child’s responsibility to let the teacher know they don’t understand it and the teacher’s responsibility to make sure they do.
My lack of involvement can not be equated with lack of concern either. My job as their mother is immense. I send them to school for their education, and I take care of the rest. Which is why I take exception to accountability for a child’s homework being laid at the feet of the parents. I abhor reading logs and my hackles go up when I’m chastised for not checking my child’s agenda. Who’s agenda is this anyways? Two days ago my oldest daughter informed me that there was a junior high information session coming up. She knew the time, the where and the why. I didn’t ask to see her agenda to double check or to see a note, I took her word for it and she was correct on all counts. My lack of checking what’s going on in their schedule makes them accountable to figure out how they’re going to get it done. It becomes their concern, not mine. They are learning how the real world works and when they stumble and fall they’ll have a cushier landing learning at home then when they’re moved out on their own.
So in the end what do I have for all this neglect? I have two children who are excelling at French despite the fact that their father and I speak none. I have an independent eleven year old who comes home and bakes cookies after school from scratch without two minutes of my help. My nine year old pulled in more A’s this year than any year prior and I haven’t looked at her agenda in weeks. She seems to be doing just fine without my signature. Both my girls are capable of verbalizing their issues with adults without my interference because I’ve made every effort to not speak for them. With all that said, I don’t for two seconds think that my free-range approach to homework makes me the world’s most perfect mom. I like to think that I’m a work in progress when it comes to this parenting gig. It’s nice to know though that I’m not a slacker after all and am a little more cutting edge than I thought. Maybe my be accountable for yourself approach will catch on and I’ll have more conversations with moms that detail all the hours they spent not helping their kids do their homework.
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Awesome!
Great (not home) work, Candace! I give you an A+ and a gold star. 😀
Your girls are responsible and capable. It’s like any other developmental milestone, right? You can’t climb the tree *for* them!
This is a great perspective, and I wish, I SO wish, I could just push back and say ‘whatever’, and ‘go back to your teacher, he’ll explain it to you’. Only problem is he’s not being taught, comes home confused, asks for clarification so he can then argue that this is not how he understood it, refuses to bring it up again at school….and at the same time I wonder, can I allow him to get a terrible mark? Where does my role end? Where does it begin?
Your role is what I aspire to. Maybe my kid is in the wrong school, in the wrong classroom, with the wrong teacher. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. But what you describe is what I want…
Thank you for this. With your permission I’d like to refer to it on my school tab in my blog, as a ‘different’ perspective.
Javamom
Of course. Thank you very much for asking.
Free range kids, yeah! It will serve them well all there days.
Did the same with my boys. They were both on honour roll in HS. Drew graduated with honours from Algonquin and is continuing his studies at UOttawa. Anthony is 3rd yr UOttawa pulling in A’s and B’s. Both are very independent.
A friend posted something not long ago……. Don’t prepare the road for your children, prepare your children for the road.
As a teacher, I wholeheartedly agree with your perspective. I teach grade three and I try not to give too much homework because I believe that students need to go outside and play after school. However, homework is an expectation from administration as well as parents. Like you, I have left my own children to their own devices where homework was concerned, My daughter is now in high school, and I don’t have to mention homework as she hides out in her lair with her textbooks and her computer completing assignments independently. My son, is slowly figuring out that he alone is responsible for getting his work done and handed in….he will get it one day! Parents need to stop rescuing their kids and robbing them of the opportunity of independence and “getting it” and it is absolutely not your job as the parent to do our job – send your kid back to us with the questions they were too timid to ask during the lessons. Thank you for being a free range parent!
you parent a lot like we do. it’s not my job to do their homework. it’s THEIR work. i make sure they do it, but i don’t do it for them, and i never will. they have to learn things now so they can figure the world out when they are older.
My parents left me to do my homework on my own, unless I was having a really difficult time understanding something. I got by just fine. You can expect your kids to learn anything if you do the work for them.
Hear! Hear!! The same is followed in our home and I love it as it gets my daughter to think outside the box many a time
I don’t have children, but as a former teacher I totally agree with you. Kids won’t always have you by their side guiding them. They need to learn on their own.
Plus, they get to own their triumphs and achievements!
I’ve never done my kids’ homework for them. It has always annoyed me when kids come in with projects that were clearly done by their parents.
I know someone who does her daughter’s homework all the time. It is so frustrating to watch. I wish she would realize that she is not helping them by doing so.
This was my approach for the longest time. I left it as my Kid’s responsibility to get the homework done. To record their reading and turn in the logs. It is there job. not mine. And it did so well for my kids. There was one time my son thought he could get away without doing his homework. His teacher informed me he was missing 3 months worth of homework sheets. Yeah; he spent the rest of the week doing them to get them caught up. No TV. Nada. but I didn’t do a single question for him. He sat at the table and I said, “get to it.”
My boys were both ahead of their grade level. They were doing amazing. They were both reading above grade level. The math was above grade level. The science was above grade level.
this year…with the new curriculum….everything is turned upsidedown. My kids TRY to be in charge of the school stuff. but it is so confusing to them. The math homework. UGG. They can’t figure it out. The teacher teaches, they come home and are still lost. The husband (who is an Engineer and studies math for a living) can’t figure it out. It is ridiculous. So now; we have to struggle through the math with the kids. And we all hate it. My kids are no longer excelling, but are now drowning.
Not to start a debate about curriculum; but I miss the old way. I miss the old hands off approach that had my kids excelling. We can’t do that any longer. And I don’t like it. And even as we work together we are all drowning. Something has to change.
Way proud of your girls though! I love their motivation and responsible nature to take care of their work on their own.
I really wish that I could live my life like you do! Unfortunately, our teachers in Miami are so stupid that they do not teach our kids most of the things they need to know in order to do their homework. If it weren’t for the help from parents, tutors and Google, our kids would be illiterate.
My husband and I parent the same way. We do check the work when they are finished to make sure they aren’t struggling in any areas.
Teaching them to independently study is something that they will incorporate into the rest of their lives.
These skills will come in handy when the kids grow up and go out in the real world. One day they will have job responsibilities, have to maintain a home, and take care of finances and Mom and Dad won’t be there to do it for them.
Better they learn to be responsible now so it isn’t such a shock when they are older.
We just have a kindergartener now. I feel the same way though. I did my homework. It’s your turn now!
My little ones are still young and learning about school work and home work so until they get how to do things, I will be happy to allow them to do it on their own. Until then, I will work with my kids and assist them any way that I can.
Way to go Mom.. … I have many many hours of homework behind me, I’m done. now it;s the kids turn.. great post and totally agree with you
I do think that natural consequences to things is very beneficial for kids to experience. I tend to be a mom who wants to rescue them from things, so it takes a lot for me to hold back…but sometimes life is the best teacher.
It’s so important for kids to learn to do their own work! Too many parents doing it for them these days.
Oh my… I don’t have kids but the thought of doing homework again horrifies me!!! I remember my grandma would practically DO my homework for me. That didn’t do me any favors. And with this new math — Oh no way. lol
I never did my kids’ homework either. I would proofread if they asked my to or help out if they absolutely couldn’t get it.
I dont have kids. I think it is great to teach them independence and hard work.
I don’t do or help with homework because, well, I’m not their teacher. I’m not a teacher and I don’t play one on TV – therefore, I leave it in the hand of her ACTUAL teachers. Plus, my patience grows thin when I try to help, so me staying away is best for us both. Don’t get me started on agendas, I hate that my daughter loses ‘points’ if my daily signature isn’t on there reminding me of hot lunch in 2 weeks. Everyday until then. UGH!
I am not one to sit and baby sit my child as she does her homework. She is old enough to do it herself and I hardly EVER check it over. I am there if she has a question and she knows that…but if it is something she can do alone..she does!
We are definitely with you on this! It’s been a struggle but ultimately it’s helped my son grow and mature too!
I am a homeschool mom so we do not really have homework but I love this idea, that is such a wonderful concept!
Yayyyy! You are doing a great job, I’m similar and Gabby does well too. I think the independence and responsibility helps them so much.
I think there has to be a happy medium between doing the kids homework and saying “Why are you bothering me with it?”
I worked with the kids to develop good study habits and then left them to their own devices. If they asked me to quiz them or help with a particular thing, I would, but for the most part, they found techniques that worked for them.
Exactly. If they want me to quiz them, I can do that, but I can’t do the learning for them.
I agree. What safer place to practice independence than under your parent’s roof.
I thought about homeschooling when my children were younger. I think I was afraid I’d do more damage than good 🙂
That is ridiculous that your child loses points! Grrrrr.
It’s really hard to let them fall flat…really, really, hard but I always say I’d rather seem them do that here than out in the world as a grown up.
Thanks
I think in the beginning you definitely need to help establish routine and set expectations.
Couldn’t agree with you more!
Ugh. So many flaws in the public education system.
I honestly don’t know why they need to change the way they teach subjects? After years of teaching the “new math” here in Canada, many are now abandoning it and going back to the old way. What a waste for those kids that ended up being so confused by it all.
I will say that is one thing they stopped here. They used to have a year end project in Grade 4 that required them to build a fortress. It became clear that the parents were building it and the kids not learning anything. Now the whole project must be done on school time by the student!
Exactly! How can you feel good about something if you haven’t done it?
I love that quote Karen!
Thank you so much for your comment Sylvia. It’s so nice to hear from the other side of the classroom! I always tell my kids to ask their teachers, that’s what they’re their for, they’re not going to get mad at you!
I believe that it will.
It would be nice if the teachers didn’t give kids homework (ideal) or only gave them homework that they are capable of doing on their own. It seems like half the things that come home require some sort of parental involvement, which is really irritating.