Zsa Zsa Gabor once famously quipped, “You never really know a man until you have divorced him.” She wasn’t wrong, but I’ll go a step further and add that you never really know yourself until you get a divorce. Let’s face it, if you knew yourself well enough in the first place you’d probably still be married or maybe not married to someone so clearly wrong for you. Ah, divorce, it’s a veritable cornucopia of psychological insights.
I’m currently one year in to my divorce journey and I’ve been largely quiet about it on social media because I’ve heard that bashing your ex in a public forum is poor etiquette, and despite my public facing living, I’m actually a very private person. Case in point, my best friend had no idea I was even contemplating the demise of my marriage until one week prior to my explosive departure. I am, or at least was, bottled up tighter than Dom Perignon.
I’m learning a lot now, about myself, why I am the way I am, what shaped me, and about creating healthy boundaries. It’s not a pretty process by any stretch but if you are either thinking about divorce or newly divorced there a few things I’d like to share with you. Think of me as your divorce doula, not medically licensed, but ready to hand you some hard truths with a warm hug.
You’re Not Divorcing Wrong
According to some, there is no reason why in 2019 you shouldn’t be able to Google how to do this. After all, everything you need to know is right there on the interwebs. Look at me adding to the collection. All around us we are presented with examples of “conscious uncoupling” and “positive co-parenting” and while I think these are ideals we should all strive for, it’s not always possible.
Google does not account for your response to stress, let alone your ex-spouse, your children, your friends, and your family. Trust me when I say, your divorce will affect all of them and you can expect a lot of raw, unfiltered emotion to be thrust at you. The only thing you can do is create boundaries that allow you to process in a healthy way, which brings me to my next point.
Get Into Therapy STAT
Repeat after me, “I am not fine”. For months following my leaving I kept saying I was fine. Spoiler alert, I was not. One year later, I’m just starting to peel away the layers of why I harbour feelings of guilt laid on me by others so intensely, why I rush to fix everything before someone gets even a little upset, and why I put forth a tough cookie façade. The reality is I have a soft, chewy centre you guys, once you get past the rock hard exterior.
I wish I had started therapy the day after I left, so I wish this for you instead. Find a good one, and don’t settle for the first one you meet. My therapist is exactly what I need, gentle but 100% not afraid to call me on my bullshit. “What’s your point?” she often says impatiently to me when I start to get a little whiny, and I appreciate and love that about her. It’s what I need, but that may not be what you need, so ask for referrals and test trial a few. No therapy is wasted.
Divorce Takes Forever
I naively thought I’d be divorced by now. Lawyers are slow, the courts are slow, and if your ex is slow, then expect your frustration levels to rise in what is still a largely flawed system. No one should be allowed to not give full disclosure, but it happens every single day. No one should be allowed to hold on to half your assets while you wait for them to get it together, but it happens every single day.
I am in a Facebook divorce group with over 5000 people in it, and I can tell you it happens every single day because I see the status updates. This brings me back to point number one, you are not doing your divorce wrong. You are doing you, with all the emotion that comes with it. You will make missteps but then make a course correction. Just know that, the course is slow, agonizingly slow.
One Foot in Front of the Other
This is often the hardest thing to do. It’s too easy to pull the covers over your head, and curl up in the fetal position but trust me when I say, you have to dig deep and move forward. Sometimes that will mean looking no further than an hour ahead, and other times you’ll be in a better head space and can plan a month or two into the future.
You are in a time of great uncertainty and it’s hard to make plans when the plot changes daily, but as long as you have your priorities straight, you’ll get there. I worry about my children non-stop, but as my therapist pointed out, they will be okay if they see that I’m okay. So I keep my eyes forward and don’t beat myself up about the past. I’m aware this is easier said than done, believe me when I say, I have to constantly remind myself of this.
Allow for the Crazy
Like people who have no children who share their wisdom on parenting, there are a ton of people out there with opinions on divorce who have never actually done it. Step 1, ignore them.
Step 2. It’s okay to act a bit erratic and crazy. You are literally going through the second most stressful life event ever. You are permitted to have moments where you’re less than perfect. If no one else will forgive you of that, then forgive yourself for fuck’s sake and move on. You’re human. Full stop.
Get Spiritual
Left unchecked the stress of divorce can mess with your brain in some pretty surreal ways. In the past year, I have learned how to meditate and break the loop that sometimes starts to autoplay when I least expect it. While I’ll likely never be a yogi, there is great comfort in meditation and even if you think you can’t do it, at least give it a try.
Know Why You Left
I could list a million reasons why I left my marriage but those are best left in the past because they are a) no longer relevant and b) poor etiquette (see above). Ultimately there was only one reason I left, and that was to be happier. With every a-ha moment, small tweak, course correction, and moment of meditation I am getting there, and you will too.
homewithaneta
It may be bad to talk about the divorce but it is so good to talk about how good divorce looks on you. You have shown us more smiles in the past year than I can count so you do you xo
Explore With Erin
I am 2 years into my divorce. Also in the public eye and also it still is not over. But I am happy. Great piece.
Dawn
First, a big hug!! Second, you look amazingly happy and so do the girls. Been there and won’t bother you with the boring details. All I know is that life is to be lived and loved. You’re doing great! ❤️
Luzy Gunter-Smith
You always made me smile, from my first twitter chats and followed by more chats here and there then slowly stop, i miss those times….. (hope you remember me). I agree that there’s always a private life within us, you are a strong lady and to see you come out in the open and sharing your experience is a great help. Divorce is no longer a taboo subject but openness brings clarity of minds…. stay postive. A friend of mine this week confide to me of this subject and you know my first reaction…….stunned and shocked… Moving on for your happiness is what matters. Look after yourself???? Sending warm hugs and love…
Candace Sampson
Luzy, I absolutely remember you! I too miss our Twitter chats.I really need to make an effort to be more present on Twitter, so many great people I’ve met through the years. Are you on Instagram? I spend a lot of time there now 🙂 Thank you so much for your positive words and encouragement, it means more than you know xo
Candace Sampson
Thank you Dawn. We each have our own unique story, which is why we need to remove these crazy expectations of having a “perfect divorce”. Miss seeing you around these parts lady xo
Candace Sampson
Erin, I’ve been a quiet admirer of yours for many years now, so I love that you stopped by to leave me some positive encouragement. I’m happy to hear you are in a good place, that’s the goal for all of us right? xo
Candace Sampson
Funny, I never really thought I was faking my smile but even I can’t deny how much it’s changed in the last year. Thanks for stopping by lady xo
KDLitYogi
Hi Candace… thank you for your blog. I am currently going through a separation. I found this post in the middle of one of those nights… you know, the ones where you wake up and feel so terrible and then can’t sleep. Instead of wallowing in it, I’ve been trying to find things that are positive and inspiring while I’m awake at that dark hour! It’s been helpful. Your blog post is one of the things I found tonight! So, thank you so much!!
-KDLitYogi (that’s my FB name… I tried to follow you there for some more inspiration!)
Candace Sampson
Hi, this is so nice to read, and also heartbreaking. I know those nights, so well. As the space between the separation and your new life starts to widen, it does get better. All I can say is use this time to really just invest in you.