Recently Jezebel posted a picture of a wedding shower invitation that someone had posted up on Reddit. No big deal. I mean, a wedding shower invite is pretty typical, right? Wrong. Apparently, there’s this new ‘thing’ happening now called the ‘Silent Shower’. What’s a ‘Silent’ Shower’, you ask? Well, it’s basically the end of humanity as we know it.
All of you women out there who cringe every time a birthday party invite for one of your kids comes home with directions to ‘just give money’ or ‘gift cards only’, brace yourself. This is that times a million. In case you missed what this invite is saying, it’s saying ‘we aren’t throwing a party, we won’t rent a hall, we won’t even give you a drink for your troubles, but here’s a self addressed stamped envelope so you can send ALL THE MONEY!’ What in the effing effity hell is this nonsense?! (PS – I have a feeling the editors might cringe at my copious use of swear words, so if they replace them with non swears please know I am cursing up a storm right now.)(ED Note: HIGHLY edited)
I think it’s safe to say that I’m past the wedding stage of my life – at least as a guest of a friend getting married. I’ve been there and done that and hosted showers and attended showers and sometimes both for the same bride. The only person who really loves a wedding shower is the person who is getting feted, and even then that’s a stretch. Most of us bitch and moan about having to attend a shower, but while we’re there we actually enjoy seeing those we haven’t seen in a while. We eat fun shower food, have a cocktail or two and enjoy the fact that we’ve had a day out of the house without husbands or kids. We just gave the soon to be newlyweds something that will help them start their life together.
This ‘silent shower’ business is out of hand. Have we really reached a level of greediness and shamelessness that we have no problem asking our friends and family members to simply give us more money (in addition to the cost of a wedding gift, wedding outfit and possibly travelling for the wedding itself)? We’re not willing to Google a few silly shower games, make a few plates of cheese and crackers and throw out some wine spritzers? Have we become so bold that we have no problem standing there with our hand out telling you to give us money because we don’t trust that you’ll buy us something that we really want? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ARE WE REALLY THAT RUDE?!?!
Manners. That’s what it comes down to. Are we to assume with this invite that the Maid of Honour, or whomever was tasked with throwing the bridal shower, was just so completely over her wedding duties that she thought ‘Dude, I can just tell people to send money and all I have to do is collect it and wrap it up. I am the BEST MAID OF HONOUR EVER!’? Or are we to assume that the bride didn’t want to be bothered attending a party where people give up an entire afternoon of their life to sit in some too hot living room playing juvenile shower games all because they cared enough about her to spend an afternoon with her and wish her well before her wedding? Because there can’t be another option. No one thinks that people would rather just send the cash, they only think that they don’t want to be inconvenienced but they also don’t want your crappy gifts either.
This insanity has to stop. If someone who is getting married really needs a bridal shower then they can sit through the mindless, stupid shower games and watch their great Aunt Betty wrap up their soon to be mother in-law in a toilet paper wedding dress. At the end of the day though a bridal shower is also about tradition, respect, and forging alliances with new family members. It’s about bonding and happiness and seeing someone actually say ‘Thank you’ to your face for your thoughtfulness. I’m not saying that putting money in an envelope as a gift isn’t generous and thoughtful, but wouldn’t it be nice if you could actually see the face of the bride as she opens your gift and acknowledges you while she also provides you with lunch and some fancy drinks? Weddings are busy times, the bride and groom don’t often have the luxury of stopping to chat with each and every wedding guest over the course of their evening. A shower allows you to see the bride and the bride to see you. Showers are not cash grabs. I repeat, showers are not meant to be a means for you to fund your dream trip to Italy with your husband. If you want to go to Italy save YOUR MONEY, not mine!
It’s not like gift registries haven’t made the process of gift giving during a shower about as easy as it can get. You don’t even have to think of a gift for the newlyweds, you simply have to decide on your budget, print out the registry and select something that fits off the list. You can buy a shower gift in less time than it takes for me to pick my kid up from school. I don’t care if the bride and groom want the cash so they can spend it on some kind of European vacation instead of tea towels – I don’t need to buy that for you. The purpose of a wedding shower is to help the newlyweds prepare for life as a couple. If you don’t need that help, don’t have a shower, but don’t you dare ask me to just send you money. I’m more likely to send you a note telling you what day you need to pick up my kid than I am to send you an envelope of cash.
The silent shower is simply a reminder that we’ve reached a sickening level of greed and entitlement in our society. Are we really so busy with our lives that we can’t take a few hours out of a Sunday afternoon to bring a group of women together to celebrate one of our own? Are we so very self-centered that the very thought of spending time celebrating another is unfathomable? Finally, have we become so greedy that tradition and thought have no place in a wedding anymore?
I’m so very curious about your thoughts on this. Would you ever attend a silent shower if you were invited, or is this the epitome of tacky to you?
It’s tacky – these gatherings aren’t just about the gifts. Or at least, they shouldn’t be. It’s a time to celebrate the next step with friends and loved ones. Time spent with people you love is worth more than a cheque.
This has gone too far. I found it bad enough that people have birthday parties for there kids where you deposit your gift and never see them open it. Now you don’t even get a party, or to choose a gift you think someone will like. It’s more like paying a bill. Next they’ll be adding a dollar amount.
OMG YES!!! It drives me insane when I send my kids to a birthday party only to find out the birthday child didn’t open the gifts especially since I always try to put a lot of thought in to buying those gifts!
Agreed! Recently saw a GoFundMe for a couple instead of a stag and doe and had a very similar rant….WHAT???!!!!
This Kelli girl rocks! Too true and God help anyone who sends me that kind of invite…they are getting this blog…in the self addressed envelope.
I live in Alaska. My family is in Georgia. This would actually be a great idea for a “baby shower” (I’m not having one because no one can hop on a plane just to come to a party) for people who don’t want to shop online and don’t want to pay for shipping. I mean, if everyone lives in the same area, then this would be tacky. But for people who live thousands of miles apart, I think it’s convenient.
My mom had a “long distance” shower for me. She invited all the usual suspects, aunts, cousins, etc. They had a lovely brunch, they brought the presents unwrapped so everyone could ooh and awww, then packed it all up and brought it to me when she came to visit. She said they all had a lovely visit.
well we have the power to put this fire out by not ‘accepting’ the invitation to donate. simply send back the invitation marked unable to attend. If everyone gets on board this will not become ‘the new trend’,
Years ago when I (and about 3 other girls) were new hires at my job, there was a baby shower for one of the girls and they had stated all the girls were welcome to come celebrate etc. I was looking forward to it, having only been there a few months a chance to get out and socialize and know my coworkers better, then they realized making a blanket invitation was maybe too much, there were a lot of women at our location and a lot had said they planned to attend they worried too many would show up, the house wasn’t big enough etc.so I found out from one of the other new girls that we had been uninvited as there was just not enough room for everyone, well ok I guess, I see the point BUT we were also told that even though we couldn’t come we could still donate towards the gift. really? how lucky am I? I can’t go but I can still donate? will there be room on the card for me to sign my name? My point is, if I am not considered worthy of an invite and we aren’t that close then why would I just hand you cash? HAVING A ‘SILENT SHOWER’ now enables people to ‘invite’ tons of extra people to ‘donate’ people they wouldn’t consider inviting to the party (if there was one) will now be getting invitations to donate to people they barely know, it’s a straight up cash grab and it puts people in an awkward situation of should I donate? how much should I donate? yeah we work together but we don’t socialize outside of work and it’s not like they thought enough of me to invite me to an actual get together.
While I am ranting for all the people who do receive gifts and donations please please please remember your manners. I do ‘chip in’ on gifts for babies etc. at work and more often than not don’t get as much as a verbal thank you. I donated to one girl for her first baby the gift was received and not a word said no thanks, nothing so when she was pregnant with her second someone asked me to chip in I politely without excuses declined as I assumed my previous gift was not appreciated.
Just because someone hands you something doesn’t mean you have to take or accept it! You have as many options as you can imagine. Do nothing; no reply. Write a cheque for $2 to cover postage and invitation cost and politely decline. Send a void cheque with a note telling the bride and wedding party what you think of their tasteless idea…or send a cheque for a decent amount and be grateful you don’t have to waste 3 hours of your valuable time with people who have an obscene amount of entitlement while making a mental to decline going to the wedding. These are just a few; you could be a lot more creative depending on your level of emotional reaction and relationship to the betrothed! But above all remember: just because someone hands you something doesn’t mean you have to accept it! 🙂
My response
Dear ( ),
Thank you for the invitation to the silent shower. I absolutely appreciate your forethought in giving me the details on exactly how I can enrich the lives of my friends/relatives. I especially appreciate the fact that my time has been considered in this by not having me have to worry about getting the time off work/arranging for a babysitter/rescheduling any other plans I have and that I won’t have to worry about transportation and parking.
Unfortunately, I don’t write cheques any more as most places have converted to debit, credit, or online payment options. I know cash is always an option but I don’t feel comfortable or secure sending the money I feel my friendship is worth in such an unsecure method.
Since there has been so much consideration already shown for my convenience then I know you will understand that I will not be able to comply with your request. I will be more than happy to provide an appropriate gift at the wedding when I attend. Unless, of course, there will be similar considerations taken for that ceremony as well.
Sincerely,
Me
I would send them a note saying “I hope you enjoy this invisible gift for your silent shower”.
Smart. I like it!