10 Things NOT to Do With Your Date for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is coming! You know what that means? It’s time to think about how to make a special statement to your loved one by using your wallet.

This is assuming you have a loved one you have to open your wallet for.

I’m kinda with you, Christina Applegate: how do you drop whatever you’re doing in possibly the worst winter month of the year and get all touchy feely? Now, it could be that you’re just bored with the usual, which probably looks something like this:

• Dinner for two, with wine: $150
• 12 red roses that will be dead by next week: $100
• Babysitter: $50
• A sappy card: $4.95
• Glitter-rage from glitter on sappy card that will be around until October: Free
• Knowing you won’t be sleeping on the couch: Priceless. (There are some things money can’t buy.)

If you decide not to go with the traditional, here are some things you shouldn’t do. Ever.

1. Shave stuff into your body hair. No, really.

It means I’m baring my heart to you. You know. Bare? Get it? *wink wink*

2. Buy garments that serve no practical or “sexy” value.

I envision this went on at the marketing meeting: “We put the Fun in Undies! …Wait a minute. Do-over.”

3. Buy gag valentines cards, unless you know her as well as you think you do (you probably don’t) or you have something better as the second act.

I pity the fool you gave this to.

4. Follow this newspaper ad’s advice, unless you’re looking for a divorce.

To my loving wife, I want to make sure you’re well-interred. You know what I’m sayin’?

5. Give the gift of lame coupons.

See #3. Also, you’d better be well prepared for her to spring them on you at the most inopportune times. No whining.

6. Order pizza. Especially if you’re planning on doing anything more special that day.

Not that you can’t order pizza for Valentine’s Day… I certainly have. But that’s a 15th Valentine’s Day anniversary sort of thing. Definitely not a “Will you be my wife” sort of thing.

7. Physically go anyplace worse than Pizza Hut. 

If the choice is between Hooters and pizza, order in. I can think of no situations in which suggesting Hooters for Valentine’s Day won’t get you in deep doo… unless she suggests it… but that’s probably a trap.

8. Be creative about cakes…

No comment.

9. Give stuffed animals.

Now that’s gangsta.

 

10. And if you’re going to use poetry, for everyone’s sake, plagiarize! 

P.S. the crayon doesn’t help your cause, either.